


Fallen

by Polarnacht



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Betrayal, Canon-Typical Violence, Childhood, First Love, First Meetings, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Torture, Trust
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-26
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:35:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21977452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polarnacht/pseuds/Polarnacht
Summary: Young Jace and young Alec are both shaped by their parents' upbringing  - Jace by the harshness and brutality of Valentine, Alec by the lack of love and affection of Maryse and Robert. When Jace comes to live with the Lightwoods after his father's death, the two struggle with each other - but soon they and Izzy become close friends; it seems that nothing can separate the trio. When during a mission a memory demon reveals the true feelings of one boy to the other, everything goes downhill and they have to make choices which will affect themselves and the other. What will they do? Can they trust their feelings? will their friendship survive?
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland
Comments: 41
Kudos: 44





	1. In the woods

**Author's Note:**

  * For [OliviaLuzia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OliviaLuzia/gifts), [Nathanoy25](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nathanoy25/gifts).



> This fic is for  
> @Olivialuzia who suggested a more canon related story of Jace's and Alec's childhood and their first meeting quite some time ago and whose lovely comments always encourage me to write more - here we are now :-)
> 
> @Nathanoy25 whose supportive and encouraging comments always make me smile
> 
> Thank you guys so much & happy Christmas. I hope you like this new story.

Jace

People often asked Jace how he survived his childhood, especially after it came out that Valentine Morgenstern had raised him all those years and not Michael Wayland, as the world had believed. For Jace it was all the same, he was the only father he had ever had, his name didn’t mean much to him. He also didn’t understand the obsession others had with his upbringing. He hated the pity he saw in the eyes of the others and what he hated even more was the weariness which often went with it, the unspoken “like father like son” hanging in the air. Therefore he never really spoke about his childhood, especially not what he really thought about it. That, altogether, it had not been that bad. 

*

Jace grew up mainly in the forests near Alicante, the Silver City of the Shadow World. He faintly remembered the glory of its buildings, the beautiful and impressing Demon Towers which promised protection against the evil of the world, the way the glass glowed when the early rays of sunlight hit the City. What he could remember was the way the light of the early dawn fell through the leaves of the trees surrounding his home, a lonely cabin deep in the forests on a beautiful clearing. He remembered how the early birds used to wake him up with their chirping and how it felt to walk through meters high snow to get to the firewood, which was stored in a small stable nearby to make fire in the oven in their cabin. He remembered how it was to feel free. 

Jace had never met his mother, his father got always very agitated when Jace dared to mention her so Jace avoided the topic altogether. He just knew that she had left him and his father when he was barely a toddler and he supposed that his father was still heartbroken over this, as there was never a new woman in his life. His mother never bothered to contact him, at first he had hoped at every special occasion – his birthday, his runing ceremony, even mundane Christmas – that she would contact him, send a fire massage or something, but it never happened. When he turned six, he finally abandoned all hope and decided that if his mother didn’t need him, he most definitely didn’t need her. 

His father was a strange man. Even as a young child, Jace understood that something was twisted inside his father. They barely met other people, so it was hard for him to compare his behavior to others, but somehow he doubted that everything was normal in the way they lived. The few occasions they got to meet other people just proved him right. When he turned five, Valentine set up his first runing ceremony – a real big thing in the Shadow World. Not every person, not even every child of a Shadowhunter, could bare a rune. He remembered the look of surprise and shock on the face of the Silent Brother, when he realized that the child he had to rune was only five years old, not 10 or 12 like in other families. But he also remembered the deadly glow in his father’s eyes which made the Silent Brother obey and rune him anyway. The pain was excruciating, but worth it in Jace’s eyes. He had never seen his father so proud before as when he gripped Jace’s chin afterwards and whispered with a nearly loving voice “Finally Jace, now we can go hunting together. I’m proud of you” into the young boy’s ears, before giving him his ceremony present: his very own first seraph blade. 

One of the most fond memories of Jace was the ones where Valentine took him demon hunting. Valentine always treated him as a grown up, discussed tactics with him and let him be right in the middle of the fight. Jace was so proud when he killed his first demon, it was a few months after his fifth birthday, by then he already had 3 more permanent runes besides the angelic rune he had gotten as his first. He loved how much faster and stronger he was when he activated the runes, he would never understand why so many frowned when he told at what age he had gotten them. Yes, applying a rune hurt, but only shortly. And pain was there to pull through, wasn’t it? This was a lesson Jace had learned early on. His father was a harsh man, who put obedience to his rules and success over everything. The good thing was, the rules were clear and simple: Be the best warrior, be strong, never show fear, do what your father tells you. Jace could live with that. The pressure of being always the best was hard, he hated the look of disappointment on his father’s face even more than the physical pain which mostly came afterwards. Valentines teaching method was simple: He showed him something once – and then it was up to Jace how often he practiced and how intense. But when Valentine asked him to present his progress, he better knew how to do it without any mistake. Any mistake would be punished, sometimes with slaps on his palms with a ruler, sometimes a beating with a belt or a whip, sometimes by breaking his fingers. The method was as brutal as effective – Jace learned to master nearly every task given flawlessly. He knew that his father needed him to be strong, to be the best, to prepare for the war to come from which Valentine sometimes spoke. Jace knew that his father considered the Clave, who ruled the Shadow World, weak and feared that the Downworlders would rise and destroy the world as they knew it. Therefore he understood the urgency of his father for him to be the best version of himself – his father simply wanted to protect him. Sometimes he wished his father was not as brutal as he was, deep down he knew that his father sometimes went too extreme in his methods, even if it was for his own good. 

When Jace was around seven, his father brought back a new weapon, a throwing star which Jace had not had before. It was late evening when Valentine showed up and handed it to him, instructing him briefly how to handle it. Jace was tired to death, he had spent his whole day chopping wood and preparing for the winter. Therefore he just tried the new weapon out a few times before falling into bed, his eyes closing immediately after he hit the mattress and he drifted to sleep in an instant. Jace woke to a harsh shaking, his father already in outdoor clothes. Quickly Jace grabbed his gear and slipped in, not bothering with washing himself or eating anything, not when his father was in one of his moods. Jace heart dropped when he saw the target which was already placed in the far corner of the clearing. His fear was proven right, when Valentine handed Jace the new throwing stars, gesturing to the target. He expected Jace to hit the bull’s eye, of course. Jace’s hand was shaking, but he desperately tried not to show it. The wrath of Valentine would be severe, what Valentine hated even more than failure was showing fear. His boy had to be a strong fighter, and strong fighters were not supposed to shake with fear, even when they were just seven years old. So Jace pulled himself together and threw the star – and missed. He even missed the complete target, as the technique was totally different than the one from throwing knives - and he barely had practiced yesterday. He waited for the pain to come, but strangely it never did. His father just looked at him with that cold, calculating stare, which just hid the love he held for his son, Jace knew it. Because this was also a rule in the Morgenstern household, and unspoken one but an important one: Never show love. Jace was sure that his father loved him but never showed it, therefore it must be a rule, too. “Follow me” Valentine said with an even, unemotional tone. 

It was late fall, the days had started to become rather short and the nights long and cold. They walked in silence, Jace still tired from the short night and the handiwork the day before and he was incredibly hungry, not having had breakfast. But he didn’t complain, he knew better than that. This was all part of his punishment. They walked for hours, just stopping at one point at a small pond to drink some water. Jace knew the forest near the clearing inside out, but he had never dared to go in that deep, knowing the werewolves and other dangerous animals were living there. When they were so deep in the woods that nearly no sunlight was shining through the leaves of the dark trees surrounding them, Valentine stopped. “Do you know what you did wrong, son?”  
Jace nodded. “Yes, I trained not enough and failed you.”  
“Good. To show me that I have not raised a useless boy and you deserve my time, I want you to wait an hour and then make your way to our cabin on your own.” Jace heart sank. He was scared, he had no idea how to get back the whole way and how to survive on his own out there, as dusk was slowly settling in. But he nodded, making a brave face as he was supposed to. And if his father thought he would be capable of it, he was, right?  
“Good boy” and with that, his father was gone. Jace didn’t dare to move too early, but the time with a bit sunlight was too precious to waste. He looked around for anything which could sooth his empty stomach and found a few berries he recognized, better than nothing. Then he spotted a small deer. The animal stood in a mid distance, looking a bit suspicious, but when Jace didn’t move a single muscle in his body the deer seemed reassured and continued eating. The only weapons Jace had were the throwing stars. He had two left from the three his father had given him, one lay still useless next to the target. Slowly, not to shy away his pray, he drew one star and - missed again. Thankfully the deer hadn’t noticed it and was still eating. Jace knew that his was his last chance, if he missed there would be no real food for him and the cabin was at least a 4 hours walk away – if he found the quickest way, which Jace honestly doubted. So he recalled very carefully and thoroughly what Valentine had told him about the technique, went through it step by step in his mind. This time he hit his target, right in the neck. When Jace arrived at the deer, it was already dead. He couldn’t bring the whole animal with him, therefore he didn’t bother with skinning it but just cut – as good as this was possible with just a throwing star – the best parts away to eat them instantly. He didn’t have time to make a fire, therefore he ate the meat raw, knowing that this would give him new strength and power quite instantly. After that he figured the hour was up so he started walking, looking desperately for every sign on the floor and on bushes – broken branches, foot prints in the dirt to follow his father back home. He was terrified for the night to come, terrified of the animals who hunted in the dark but also because he would not be able to see anything. Therefore he had to hurry to get into familiar territory before it was too dark. Dusk settled in pretty quickly, Jace felt panic rise in his body but suppressed it as good as he could. Panicking wouldn’t help anything right now. When he finally arrived at a familiar clearing, still two hours away from the cabin, he was soaked in sweat. He barely could feel his arms and legs anymore, but he knew he had to move on, a night spent in the forest way too dangerous – and it was also too dangerous to keep Valentine waiting for too long. He couldn’t recall how he finally got to the cabin but he still remembered the relieve when he finally made it – and he also could still feel the strange sense of proudness which flew through his body. He had made it. And he had mastered the weapon he had been given. Jace knew it was extreme and unusual, but he had to admit that Valentine’s teaching methods always worked. Or would kill him one day, but this was a thought Jace didn’t want to elaborate. 

To his eighth birthday Jace got a special present from his father, a hunting falcon. Jace loved the wild animal instantly and learned everything about the taming and training of it. The falcon was nearly untrained at all, which made the task extremely difficult. Jace couldn’t count the scratches and twitches the bird gave him. Secretly he named his falcon Altair, the brightest star in the star constellation Aquila – not a falcon, but Jace found it fitting anyway. He knew better than to voice this name out load when Valentine was present, giving a pet a name was too much affection in his father’s eyes. Jace loved his falcon. He never had had the chance to play with other kids much, only occasionally they met others at all. But this falcon, it was his. He could talk to him and train him. With a lot of effort and love he made his Altair obedient, in the end the bird ate from his hand and came when Jace called and, most important, he was an amazing haunter. Jace was proud when he showed his father the progress of his training, and even Valentine was impressed. It could have gone all well, if not Valentine had caught Jace kissing the bird good night. Jace had disrespected the unspoken rule of not showing love – and was therefore punished. His father snapped the neck of Altair in front of his eyes. This was probably the most painful memory Jace had. He still could hear the bones in the tiny neck of his beloved Altair break and he really hoped that the bird had felt no pain. At least he didn’t have to do it himself.

But nevertheless, the happy memories were also strong. At the beginning Jace had dreaded the days and weeks Valentine had left him alone in the woods. The worst had been that his father had never announced when he was gone for a longer period of time. The first time he had left Jace alone, the young boy had trusted his father to come back as he always had, latest the day after. But he didn’t. Thankfully it was summer and something to eat easy to gather. The relief when his father finally showed up after a week huge – yet Jace had leaned another valuable lesson: never trust someone fully but yourself. 

Once he had been sure to survive on his own, when he was able to hunt on his own to provide food, chop wood to get the cabin warm and, most importantly, draw the right runes to protect the cabin at night, Jace loved this time on his own. He could spent the days as he wanted. Of course, he had some duties, learning a history lesson, a new language, a new weapon, something like that, but besides that he could do as he pleased. Sometimes he just spent the day lazy lying on the clearing, enjoying the sun and rereading the same books he loved for the 1000st time. Or he went exploring the woods. Soon he knew every pond and every lake close by. He loved spending his time fishing and swimming. He still could remember how it felt to swim in the ice cold water and let yourself sun-dry afterwards, the water drops sparkling in the sun like diamonds. 

So his first motion was to flee, to flee into the woods and never look back, when Clave officials came to collect him after his father’s death. The day itself was blurred, he couldn’t remember much. He just knew that one day he came back from hunting, satisfied with what he had gotten and found the door of the cabin cracked open. He heard screams but before he could do anything, a portal appeared and the attackers were gone, leaving his father behind in a huge pool of blood. How the Clave even noticed the murder stayed a mystery to Jace, but they did and they arrived to find a distressed boy clutching to the lifeless body of his father, sitting on the floor in his blood. The Clave detached him from his father and shoved him through a portal, barely giving him the possibility to gather his belongings. It was not much anyway. 

As soon as he stepped through the portal into the New York Institute, his new so called home, he felt his heart clench and his blood turn cold. Robert and Maryse Lightwood looked at him with cold eyes, nearly the same look his father always had had, but this time Jace was sure that there was no hidden love behind it. The building itself, an old church, was intimidating, made of cold stone and steel, nearly no natural lighting came through the dark and narrow windows. This looked more like a prison or a cage to him than anything he had seen and felt so far. For the first time in his life, Jace was truly and thoroughly afraid.


	2. Made of steel

Alec

Alec had always been a quiet and pensive child. He had a curious mind and absorbed everything he could learn. He looked up to his parents, they had always an aura of superiority, importance and rightfulness about them. He loved the occasions when they took the time to sit down with him and explain things – how to best run an Institute, how the Clave system worked, such things. Unfortunately, the times were scarce, most often they just brushed of his questions and left him to himself or Hodge, his tutor, too busy with their own business. They never seemed to notice how eager Alec was to learn and how grateful he was for the few moments he got with them.   
But the problem with Alec’s parents was, that their expectations were high, but they never made sure that Alec understood how he could meet these expectations. Therefore he was often left with the feeling of lacking and self-loathing. He wanted to please his parents so badly, but whatever he did, it was never enough. 

When his sister was born, he was a toddler himself, but he could still recall the feeling of overwhelming love he felt back then. When he held her in his arms for the first time, he knew that he would do anything to keep her safe. His parents expected nothing less of him, he was the older brother and thus responsible for her and her safety. At the age of five, his parents left for Idris for a week, leaving Alec and Izzy in the custody of Hodge. Hodge was a grumpy man, bound to stay at or close to the Institute because of a former crime he had committed, which made him bitter. Yet, he was more like a real father to the siblings than Robert, taking pleasure in spending time with them and teaching them. Nevertheless, Hodge was more a teacher than a nanny and therefore left the kids a lot to themselves, leaving Alec in the responsibility to take care of Izzy. So when Alec was five and his sister three, he did everything to keep her safe and sound. He made breakfast and dinner, helped her dress and put her to bed at a reasonable time. He tried to keep her busy, as Izzy tended to develop dangerous activities when bored. Everything went well till the evening his parents were supposed to return. Alec wanted to surprise them by cooking everyone dinner and setting the big table in the dining room. Izzy helped as best as she could, being only three-years old. His parents should be home by six, but the hour came and went without them showing up. When it was eight, Alec tried to convince his sister to go to bed, but she was too excited to see her parents again and what they would say to their cooked dinner and prepared table. So he let her stay up, as he was really proud of his – and their – accomplishments. A whole week had past without anything going wrong, they had eaten, tidied up, he had done all his homework he had gotten from Hodge. Everything was perfect – at least it was what he thought. His parents were less impressed. When they finally showed up at 8.30, the first thing they asked was why Izzy and he were still up and not in bed, as they were supposed to. They ignored the nicely set table and the cooked dinner and just told the siblings to go to bed, instantly, as it was late. No words of welcome, no words of joy – and of course no words of praise for Alec, how well he had handled everything. Instead, he got a disapproving look from his mother and was told that they had expected better of him than stay up so late. Alec could barely hide his tears long enough till he was alone in his room. He had tried so hard and he had been so proud – yet again, his parents made it clear that he was a constant failure. Later, Izzy snug into his room pretending to have had a nightmare – but this time Alec was sure she came to comfort him rather than seek comfort herself. He was beyond grateful.

These constant words and looks of disapproval stung more than any corporal punishment, maybe more so because mental abuse was not a concept he was familiar to. He just had the constant feeling of being unworthy of carrying the precious Lightwood name and he felt he was lacking the ability to grow up to it. 

Most Shadowhunters decided on a weapon of choice sometime during their training. Izzy went for a whip, a rarely used weapon which matched her fighting technique and her fierce character perfectly. The whip was not an easy weapon to master, it needed a lot of skills, but was very useful for combat in a mid- and short distance. Izzy was a very skilled and determined fighter, if she set her mind to something she would master it. Alec struggled more to choose his weapon. He was attracted to the traditional Japanese Katana, a long sword which would match his body size well and which he loved. In the end, his sense of duty won. The Katana was an amazing weapon for the middle of the fight, but he needed something to keep his sister safe. She would never back down from a fight and he needed a weapon to keep her safe when she was in the heat of it, therefore he chose the bow. It was like Izzy’s choice unusual and also hard to master, the right technique and necessary quickness required a lot of training. He liked the bow also, but what had tipped the scale was the fact that he was responsible for Izzy. Despite his predictions, his parents disapproved of his choice. A bow was not prestigious enough for a Lightwood – but Alec stuck to it. It was the best way to protect his baby sister and he really didn’t understand why his parents didn’t see it that way, not being able to comprehend that prestige meant more than safety. 

Sometimes Alec wondered why his parents had bothered getting another child after him, as he and his sister, seemed more a burden than a source of joy to his parents. His was grateful anyway, he loved his sister with all his heart. She was a stubborn child who didn’t bend easy to the spoken and unspoken laws in the Lightwood family, but she had her heart at the right place. Even as a kid, he knew that he could always count on Izzy in a way he was never able to count on his parents. Without even knowing it, he took over the role of being a mixture between father and brother to her. 

He could still recall the proudness he felt when she had gotten her first rune at the age of 10, without flinching or crying she had accepted the pain of her first rune.  
He made sure to tell her just that, as he was afraid that their parents wouldn’t do so. But he knew that it was important to tell others when they had done something right or brave. It was the thing he really loathed about his parents, the lack of praise and affection for his sister. His parents had grown up at the times of the Uprising, Valentines urge for power thankfully failed, but it left deep wounds in the Shadow World. Maybe it was then when his parents lost their ability to truly love, maybe they had never possessed it at all, but he made sure that his sister felt loved every day. Unfortunately he never figured that he would deserve these things, too. He, as well as his parents, only saw his flaws and never his strengths, which he possessed equally. He was one of the best fighters, he was bright and eager to learn, he was a kind and sensitive child – the latter qualities regrettably didn’t count in the harsh reality of the Lightwood household. 

When Izzy grew older, the gap between her and their parents grew deeper. Even if not voiced loud, Maryse and Robert despised Downworlders. It was clear with every raised eyebrow and every mouth pressed in a firm line when they talked about to or with Downworlders, the way they never said the true names but just referred to them as “the warlock” or “the vampire”. Izzy would take none of that, she liked to see for herself and soon made friends among the Downworld. Alec had never been good at social interactions, too well aware of all the fields he thought he was lacking. His will to please his parents was also too high to really engage, so he just stood by and watched, making sure his sister was safe. Sometimes he envied her of her easygoing attitude, the confidence she had been able to develop, she was clearly aware of what she was worth – and that was everything in Alec’s eyes. Sometimes he wandered how two children from the same parents could be so different. She, the beautiful, sparkling center of attention and he the dull, broody type who was always overlooked. 

His parents had never failed to make clear to Alec what they expected of him, even if the how stayed in the dark. Carry on the Lightwood legacy, never tarnish the holy Lightwood name, get married and become the next Head of the Institute. This was the part Alec struggled the most with. As a younger boy he was not fully aware what the whole business of holding up the family name was about, sometimes he thought he even did not get it when he was older. But he definitely understood that he was supposed to be the next Head of the Institute, as he was the oldest. He also understood that his parents doubted his abilities, always pointing out his flaws and repeating old mistakes again and again. What he also knew was that to become the Head, you had to be married – the job was always handed down to married couples, as the responsibility and stress was too much for one to carry. Of course marriage in the narrow Clave laws meant to be married to the opposite sex. Thinking of having to get married – and also having to do so really young – fulfilled Alec with dread. He couldn’t picture himself getting married and have kids on his own. When he was honest, he just couldn’t picture himself with a woman at all. He couldn’t remember when, but he had realized quite early that he was not interested in girls. He could tell if a girl was pretty, but it never attracted him in any way, not the way another boy could. What shouldn’t be an issue in the 21st century, most definitely was for Alec. He had heard his parents tell stories about the good old days were homosexual Shadowhunters were deruned just for being who they were, and he also heard the approval in the voices of his parents. It was not common practice nowadays, but there were still a lot traditional hard liners who fully approved of the old, inhuman methods. Alec had heard his parents talk to many old friends to know all the words they had for gay Shadowhunters: crime against the angel’s will, abnormality, sick… Another point Alec had to add to the list of things he just could get not right. 

Alec and Izzy had trained together their whole lives. Their everyday life was rather lonely, only their parents and Hodge lived permanently at the Institute. Sometimes other Shadowhunters visited or even spent a couple of nights, sometimes his cousin Aline or other relatives showed up for a visit, but most of the time they were on their own. But Alec didn’t mind. Izzy was a good match when it came to fighting and for the rest he had Hodge, who was a skilled fighter and a good trainer. He didn’t need any other person in his life, he had too much responsibilities to shoulder already and he certainly didn’t need anyone in his life to whom he could be constantly compared to. So when he learned that his parents had decided to take in an orphaned boy, he was the opposite of thrilled. He wandered why his parents decided to do so in the first place, as his parents had never taken any real interest in their own children. But, of course, they didn’t discuss this decision with their children, they just told them that soon a boy, Jace, would come to live with them. Alec was not impressed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for following so far - in the next chapter the boys will finally meet and there will be more plot, but I liked to show their childhood to make it clear for the later chapters why they do what they do. So I hope it was not too boring to read, I promise there will be more going on in the next chapters :-)


	3. I can't stop myself from falling

For the first few hours Jace was alone in the Institute. Maryse and Robert had given him a quick tour, showing him his room, the kitchen and training room and explained that only the tutor Hodge, their children Isabelle and Alexander and themselves lived there. After a small pause, they added “and you of course.” The kids were currently out on a mission with Hodge, so it was just them and him. As soon as the little tour was over, the Lightwoods excused themselves and left Jace with his few belongings in the foreign room. It was small and efficient furnished, no decorations at all. A tiny bathroom, an average sized bed with a steel frame, which Jace instantly disliked, as he was used to wood. But here it seemed everything was made from the cold material. He had a small cupboard and a wardrobe with a few hangers in it, not much but for his little belongings absolutely sufficient. In about 10 minutes he had “settled in” and when he ran out of tasks to do, the nervousness and fear returned to his body. To distract himself, he started to explore the Institute further. It was a huge building, to his surprise most of the rooms looked like his but were not occupied. To his relieve he found a huge library, which he took time to explore. He loved books and there were plenty which sounded interesting. He had to find out if he was allowed to read them. He had a bit lost the track of time when he returned to his room, having to pass the training room. When he heard some noises inside, he couldn’t help himself but sneak in to see who was there. 

When Jace met Alec for the first time, he was mesmerized. He had never seen a more attractive boy. He was slightly taller than him, lean and muscular, brown, messy hair which looked like he had come straight out of bed – why the hell was Jace thinking of bed right now? But he really wandered if the hair felt as soft as it looked. He couldn’t see the boy’s eyes, as they were fixed on a target in the far corner of the training room. He held a huge bow in a steady grip, Jace couldn’t help but notice how the muscles on the upper arm flexed when he pulled the string. The boy let the arrow fly and hit the target, not spot on but close to the center. In a swift move he drew another arrow and let it fly. This one came even closer to the bull’s eyes. Jace had never practiced with a bow, being one of the few weapons his father had considered as useless and as kind of unworthy, as it was made for fighting in the distance only and not in the middle of the heat, something which Valentine had always favored – and if Jace was honest, so did he. But he had a trained eye, he saw why the arrows hit the target slightly to the left. The boy’s stand was a bit off; he knew that with the slightest change of the hip he would hit the spot dead on. 

Jace bit down his bottom lip, his own reaction to the boy took him totally by surprise. He had seen some girls which he had found interesting and gorgeous, but he had never been struck like this. The frown which showed on the forehead of the tall boy and displayed the full concentration of the other made him even more intriguing. He silently begged him to turn around to him, he really wanted to see his eyes. 

Jace had not been around many people, but he knew what kind of affect he could have. His father’s friends had always liked his cocky attitude, which he had soon mastered as good as he had mastered any weapon. The grin he could place on command on his face normally did its job pretty well, he had seen how girls – and women – looked at him. Besides, he was self-confident, fully aware that he was better than most Shadowhunters his age, even better than plenty grown-ups. His father’s friends – and his father himself – had always liked it when he showed of a bit, modesty was not one of the virtues Valentine had believed in. So when the beautiful boy in front of Jace turned around to look who was disturbing his practice, he did what he had always done to impress: Show that he was better than everybody else. So he grinned at the other and explained how he should change his stand to hit the bull’s eyes, while strolling over to the next target, throwing-knives ready in hand. Of course he hit the bull’s eyes each and every time. Jace threw knives since he was 5, and after the first broken wrists he really had learned how to master it, therefore it was not something difficult for him. Nevertheless he hoped that the raven haired boy had noticed, but all he got was an annoyed look – and then the boy left. Jace just stood there in silence, that had not been going to plan. 

When Alec met Jace for the first time, he instantly disliked the cocky brat. Alec was in a bad mood anyway. He had been out for a minor mission with Hodge and Izzy. The minor mission had turned into something bigger and ended quite messy – a mundane got bitten by a werewolf, and somehow it was of course his fault again. Not the adult Hodge was responsible, no, it was him again who messed up. He saw the disapproving glare his parents gave him. They never punished with their hands, only with stares and cold treatment. He was the alleged future Head of the Institute so he was supposed to be better than letting a mundane be endangered. That he was only 15 years old and had to look out for his little sister, who had not been on a lot missions being only 13 didn’t count of course. But as always he did nothing to defend himself, sometimes not sure if his parents were right to expect more from him and he was just to weak to provide it or if his parents were in the wrong. All he knew was that he had to blow of steam and thus went straight to the training room. His parents had announced that finally the son of his father’s former Parabatai had arrived. Alec was not eager to meet him and certainly not after a day like that. He didn’t need a “brother” or whatever his parents would call him. 

So when the blond boy interrupted his bow training, he was not pleased. When the boy announced to him that he stood wrongly (he trained with the bow since years, thank you very much) and then hit the target next to him with his knives each fucking time, Alec was more than annoyed. He wished he could punch the cocky grin from that face, so agitated made him the whole display of superiority. But as this was not one of the options he really had, he just rolled his eyes in the best Lightwood manner he had and left. Later, he would get even more agitated when he learned that the little brat had never even practiced with a bow – and he got even more annoyed, if this was even possible, when he tried out his tips and they actually worked. Damn that boy.

Jace hated his new home. The coldness and dampness of the whole building made him shiver, he missed the sunlight and the warmth of the sun on his skin. He missed the wilderness of the woods, the sound the wind made at night before he had fallen asleep, the birds waking him up at sunset, the freedom he had had there. Strangely he missed his father not so much as he thought he would. The Lightwoods kept asking him if he did so, but they never asked if he missed the rest – therefore he just shook his head. He also had the feeling that they didn’t really care and just asked because it was the thing to do. He still wanted to get to know the boy, Alec, as he had learned, he disliked Alexander for whatever reason. He tried it the only way he had ever learned and which ever had gotten him affection and attention: by showing off, showing that he was the best. He was one year younger than Alec was, but his real training had started way earlier than Alec’s. His first hunt had been with five, an age the Lightwood siblings hadn’t even been allowed to use real weapons yet, just training weapons. Therefore he was in deed better than Alec and Isabelle in most things. Maryse and Robert saw that and they showed the reaction he was used to: they praised him and instantly liked him better as soon as they realized what skilled fighter he was. 

Izzy had been easy from the beginning, they had hit off without any problems. She was funny and easy to talk to, she was keen on picking up his training tips and she just laughed at his cockiness and smacked his head if he overdid it – he really liked her. With Alec his behavior brought him nowhere. The harder he tried to impress the other boy, the more he seemed to dislike him. At mealtimes he just sat there in a brooding silence, staring daggers at him or ignoring him at all. At training it was nearly the same. He just huffed and often left when Jace tried to point out something to him. Jace was really at a loss what to do, making friends with other kids had definitely not been on Valentine’s schedule for him. Maybe it had also been easier for him if Jace had not been so swiped away by Alec. But he could not help but goggle at every possible and impossible opportunity. He had not felt like that about a girl or a boy before, just read about it – in filthy mundane romances he had kept hidden under the bed, so that his father wouldn’t find them. He found it strange that he reacted like this to a boy, so far he had only found girls appealing. Thanks to the mundane books, he was at least familiar with the concept of homo- or bisexuality and not too freaked out about it – just a little, if he was honest with himself.

Alec hated his life right then. He had not wanted another person in his life in the first place, he had been quite content with the way it had been: his parents, Izzy and Hodge. Period. But his parents had to bring in another boy and of course it had to be someone who was such an arrogant show off. And the worst thing was, he was not just a show off, he was actually good – better than Alec, anyway. Everything seemed to fall just into his lap. Of course he could talk fluently in old languages no one else knew, of course he knew how to master any weapon given to them – even the fucking ninja throwing stars Alec had never seen before. And of course the boy had the most stunning eyes Alec had ever seen. Why he even noticed it made left him clueless but annoyed him nevertheless. The fact that he caught Jace staring at him annoyed him even more – what did he want from him? Maybe it had not been that bad if not his parents had reacted the way they did. The parents which had never approved of him fully, the parents who had constantly reminded him that he was lacking something and not worthy enough, praised this boy like he was the Angel’s gift to earth. He really was at a loss how, in a matter of weeks, they seemed to like and respect him more than their own son, who worked his ass of to get their approval but never fully did. 

Jace never had had nightmares till he moved in with the Lightwoods. Despite the tournament his father had put him through, he had always felt somehow in control, at ease with the situation. He had known what his father wanted and he was also sure that he could deliver. Yes, there had been some situations where he had found himself panicking, for example when his father had taught him how to swim by throwing him in a pond when he was six, but his father had always known what he was capable of, Jace had always fought his way to the surface – literally and figuratively. With the Lightwoods it was different. They had many unspoken expectations and rules Jace was not familiar to. At the beginning he had found it nice that they refrained from corporal punishment, but he soon learned that there was something worse than that. The constant pressure and disapproval, the cold and distant treatment, never was anything the siblings did good enough or worth a real reaction – Jace found this a lot worse than a harsh whipping or a break of a bone. When his punishment had been over, it had been over – for the Lightwood siblings it never seemed done. And what was a scar on the body compared to a scar on the soul?  
Nevertheless it surprised him when after a couple of weeks he was woken by his own screams, covered in sweat and heavily panting. His one hand was still clutched around his throat, desperately trying to get air – he had dreamt to be buried alive.

Alec was woken by muffled screams. At first, he had thought it was Izzy again, from time to time her sleep was troubled by bad dreams, but when he stood up and made his way to her room to try and calm her down, he realized that the noises came from the new boy’s room. He hesitated shortly, but he had never been able to stand seeing someone in pain, even if he loathed them like he did Jace. So he went to the room and opened slowly the room to find a clearly distressed Jace sitting in his bed, breathing harshly. “Are you ok?” he asked tentatively, instantly regretting his decision to show up when he heard the response. 

Jace hated to show weakness, especially in front of Alec who he still wanted to impress so badly. So when Alec walked into his room with this understanding look on his face, he just spat at him to leave him alone. Of course the other complied and just when his door closed, Jace realized how stupid he had been. Maybe that had been the chance to get to know the other better. But it was too late. The next night, Jace made sure to apply a silencing rune before he went to bed. 

It could have gone on like this forever, the boys dancing around each other not knowing how to get along and Izzy in the middle of it, if it had not been for a mission the two of them got assigned to. As it was in the woods near the City and they had to stay over night, Izzy was considered too young to join – she was furious, but the decision was made. 

As soon as the two boys stepped through the portal and into the clearing of the woods, Alec could see Jace transform. His usual cockiness seemed to fade in the sunlight, his typical tension of the shoulders blown away by the wind. His eyes shown like stars in the night sky. It was clear without a doubt that this was where Jace belonged, his natural habitat so to say. It occurred to Alec just then that might be they had asked the wrong questions all along. Maybe Jace really didn’t miss his father so much, but surely he did miss his old life. 

The familiar surrounding seemed to ease Jace’s need to be in the lead and to Alec’s great surprise, they worked together hand in hand without arguing. Jace even approved of the plan Alec laid out for them and killing the werewolf proved way easier than anticipated. The portal back to the Institute was not supposed to open before the next day, therefore they had to seek a refuge for the night which Jace spotted easily in the form of a small cave near a lake. 

When they had eaten – of course Jace had easily hunted down a deer – he felt the stare of the other boy again on himself. “What?” he huffed, a mixture of insecurity and annoyance visible in his face.  
“Why don’t you like me?”  
The soft voice in which the question was asked, made his annoyance melt away. He looked up and looked, really looked for the first time at the younger boy. The curious, mismatched eyes were staring directly into his in real honesty, a faint pain visible behind the dark pupils. Alec just shrugged, it was hard to explain. Or maybe not, so he just went for the truth:

“Because you are an arrogant little shit and everything you do just comes easy to you, you don’t even have to train for it. You just are better in everything you do and if this alone would not be enough, you have to rub it into my face each and every time.”  
Jace just looked at him, his eyes wide with shock – and amusement, as Alec registered, anger boiling up inside him. But then Jace started to explain. Why he was so good in what he did. He explained the harsh training methods of his father, he even showed Alec some scars he still had from his punishments. Once opening up the blond could barely stop himself. There were a lot of stories to tell, especially because they were all untold and some things really needed to be. This time it was Alec’s eyes which widened, first in disbelief, than in shock. He shook his head, needing a minute to process everything Jace told him. He was not sure how to respond to this, but before his brain was able to form the right words, Jace went on.  
“But I don’t have to tell you about weird parents. You and Izzy are not better of than me. You’ve got it worse, I think.”  
“What do you mean? My parents are nothing like your father had been. They never punished me or Izzy.”  
“They never punished you physically” Jace corrected. “They punish you all the time, Alec. Mentally. The worst thing in my opinion is that they expect you to be everything at the same time. My father expected me to be the best warrior – the strongest, the bravest, the quickest. Your parents expect the same from you – but in addition, you have to be the best leader. And we both know that leading is different to being a good soldier. They expect you to keep your sister save – but they frown upon your choice of weapon, the perfect weapon to keep someone like Izzy safe. They expect you to be flawless – so that they can be not. They are not fair to you, Alec. My father was harsh and sometimes brutal, but I think he was kind of fair.”  
Alec was stunned. No one ever had put his feelings in such words, he had never been able to do so himself. And he instantly knew that Jace was right – they expected everything without realizing – or caring – that this was sometimes not possible.  
“So you don’t think I’m worthless and not a match to you?”  
Jace just looked at Alec in disbelief. “Do you know why I acted – how did you call it – like an arrogant brat? Because I wanted to impress you, and this is the only way I knew how. I wanted you to be my, uh, friend, from the beginning” using the term friend for lacking a better one, even though he knew that friend was not exactly right. He wanted Izzy to be his friend, maybe even his sister, but Alec – no, he wanted so much more. But he couldn’t put that into words, so he went for the general term friend, hoping Alec would catch on. He felt his cheeks blush and quickly turned away, this was getting a bit embarrassing. “Come one, enough talking. Let’s have some fun” and with this, he dragged Alec with him to the nearby like, showing him the pleasure of a quiet night swim. Both boys left their boxers on.

After that, the friendship between the boys developed quickly. Alec showed Jace the Greenhouse, a place were various plants were growing and which soon became a refuge to Jace, when the world of steel became too crushing. He also introduced him to his favorite alone spot, a place which he had never even shown to Izzy: the rooftop. It was high above New York, closer to heaven than they ever had been. When it was night and the stars shown bright on them and Jace closed his ears of to the noises of a never sleeping city, he could pretend to be at his clearing deep in the woods, finding the inner peace he had always felt back then. One night he even pointed out the star Altair to Alec, the 12th brightest star on the night sky, but the brightest to Jace as it always reminded him of the one thing which had been truly his: his falcon. In return, Alec explained why he loathed the name “Alexander”. It was a traditional Lightwood name, but the last ancestor who had carried the name had been a brutal man who had collected warlock marks, vampire fangs and other disgusting stuff from Downworlders he had killed. Furthermore, he had taken part in the witch hunt for gay Shadow Hunters. Alec blushed at that confession, fully aware of the intense and questioning glare Jace gave him. He blushed even more when Jace brushed his face lightly, tentatively with his thumb and said in a husky voice. “ Alec it is, then.”

The longer Jace stayed with the Lightwoods the more he understood the complicated feelings Alec had and mostly kept to himself. He saw that the thing Alec wanted to achieve most was the approval and praise of his parents, both things he scarcely got. It was rather clever of his parents, Jace thought, as Alec was pushing himself more and more to achieve this goal. Izzy to the contrary came more and more independent from their parents, even if she got the same cold reactions as her brother, she was a lot more self-confident than he was. Jace suspected that Alec had done that trick, as he was the most supporting and loving big brother Jace could imagine. 

Even though the three of them had developed a close friendship and Jace started to call Izzy his little sister, he never did so with Alec. He still had a helpless crush on him. He clearly was aware of the fact that his feelings for him were anything but brotherly. But so self-confident Jace was in everything else, so helpless he was with his feelings towards the older boy. The clear homophobia of the Lightwoods really didn’t help either. He saw the looks Alec gave him when the raven boy thought he was not looking, but he was not really sure what they meant. From time to time he tried to point out that being gay was totally fine, but the reaction was always the same. Alec closed of immediately and changed the topic. Jace was not sure if Alec was just not into him and therefore tried to avoid such topics with him or if Alec was not into anyone at all, clearly he was not interested in girls either. So Jace figured to just wait till Alec would be ready, hoping that someday he would reciprocate his feelings. And Jace was not sure if he himself was ready to admit to his feelings, the rules of Valentine still too present in his mind: do not show the love you feel, it will ruin everything. In the meantime, Jace spent his time with meaningless flirts with girls, kissing one in a pub here, losing his virginity to one in the alley of a disco there – but he never fooled around with boys, as he knew that the only boy he ever wanted to touch and kiss and FEEL was Alec. 

As the time went by, Jace’s hope that Alec would return his feelings – or admit to have them, as sometimes he thought to see the same longing in the warm hazel eyes he had in his heart – dropped. But even without this, their friendship was the best thing which had ever happened to Jace, it even made living in the Institute bearable. For Alec, Jace broke one fundamental rule: he trusted him fully without a question. He knew that Alec would never do anything to harm him on purpose, he would do his best to keep him safe, no matter what. And that feeling, for a boy who had never experienced this, meant the world. No, he would not trade his new life for another if this meant losing Alec. 

As annoyed Alec had been at the beginning, as amazed he was now to have Jace living with them. Soon he couldn’t recall the feeling of being without Jace by his side. He loved the way they clicked, in every possible area. They fought stronger side by side than each on their own, he knew that he was the reasonable counterpart to Jace’s recklessness, he loved the way Jace stood by his side and glared at his parents when they looked at him with their cold eyes, disappointed once more in a decision he had made or a thing he had done. He just loved Jace – as a brother of course. At least that was what he told himself, over and over again. Sometimes he couldn’t help but stare at the other boy, at his muscular body, the defined abs, the way his eyes lit up when he joked with Izzy, the way a warmness came into these eyes when he locked them with his. But he never allowed himself to look too long. Being gay was nothing Alec would permit himself to be, not openly, not ever. He knew his duty to the family: Get married as soon as possible to be able to take over the Institute so that his parents could carry on with their carrier and take a high profile job in the ranks of the Clave. This was how it was supposed to be and this was how it would happen. He was glad to have Jace as a brother. 

Alec was 17, his 18th birthday due in a few months, when their world was shaken up. A mundane girl showed up during one of their missions, claiming that she could see them, which should not happen. The same way Jace was intrigued by that girl, Alec was pissed of. He knew that this girl only meant trouble – and he was proven right. The same night of their first encounter, the mother of the girl got abducted by no one else than Valentine Morgenstern, the greatest villain the Clave had seen in a long time – and supposed to be dead for also long time. They discovered that this was not true, that Valentine had lived in hiding but now wanted to gain power again by going for the Mortal Instruments to create a new army. The girl, Clary, happened to be Valentine’s true daughter and her mother, Joceclyn, was his wife, who once had supported his claim but then turned her back on the cause. 

Alec, Izzy and Jace were even able to obtain the Mortal Cup, a huge success as it had been lost for a long time. This got the attention – and approval – from the Clave and for the first time in a very long time Alec could feel that his parents were truly proud of him. He still loathed the girl, she was a selfish brat who knew nothing but thought she was better than everybody else – and the fact that Jace was so easily down to support her didn’t help either – but it brought him the right attention from the right people in the Clave. It could have gone all very well, if they had not been forced to consult a memory demon to help find Jocelyn.

Memory demons required payment for their service by offering a memory to them, this time they were supposed to give it an image of the person they loved the most. First to go was Clary and to no one’s surprise (ok, if Alec was fair he quickly considered that a picture of herself would show up) it was her mother who showed. Then came Izzy and Alec couldn’t help but feel warm from the inside when an image of himself flew through the air. Then it was Jace’s turn. It was also a memory of Alec. He couldn’t recall if it was him or Jace, or both of them, who broke the circle. They just stood there and stared helplessly at each other, both not sure what to do – before their Shadowhunter instincts kicked in and they fought with the other against the demon, as it had been able to break free due to their foolishness of breaking the circle. 

Later that day, Jace showed up in Alec’s room, to talk about what had happened. Alec had dreaded this moment since his picture had shown up. Part of him wanted to tell Jace that he felt the same, that of course Jace’s picture had shown up for him also. But the bigger part of him was afraid. Afraid of what this acknowledgement would cost him – his parents’ approval, his carrier – not being aware of what it could gain him and what a denial would do to him. So when Jace finally showed up, a determined expression in his eyes, he didn’t let the younger boy speak. He shut him up with lies, that of course it was normal that the demon had drawn his picture, because they were brothers after all – no, they were not it screamed in the back of his head, but he ignored that voice. He saw the sad expression in Jace’s eyes, the way his whole body seemed to lose his strength and composure, but he ignored also that. And Jace let him. 

In the evening Alec was called to the office of his parents, an unusual occurrence which made his stomach twist in a weary anticipation. Normally it didn’t mean anything good for him, but he couldn’t remember to have failed his parents. He steeled himself for the looks of disappointment, but this time his parents looked at him with a warm expression, even joyful. They had good news for him. The Clave was so pleased with his handling of the whole Clary situation that they would agree to make him the new Head of the Institute, as soon as he would turn 18 – if he had found a suitable bride, of course. His parents being his parents, had already a proposal for him, a girl named Lydia Branwell. He had never met her, but she had the right family name and would agree to a marriage, they could meet soon. Alec was perplex, not having expected anything remotely like that. But he nodded, agreeing to the plan his parents had made for him. And finally, after waiting nearly 18 years, his parents said the words he had graved for his entire life: “We are so proud of you, Alec. Well done. You are a true Lightwood and you deserve to carry on our legacy.” 

Jace felt crushed after his talk – it had not even been a real talk – with Alec. At first he had been horror struck when the demon revealed his true feelings for Alec, but then he had hoped that it could finally be a start for them. He had had still the hope that his interpretation of Alec’s looks and the occasional touches and blushing had been right. He could still recall the one incident in hand-to hand training, when he really had though Alec would kiss him. It had been a hard fight, both boys not giving way and fighting for the upper hand, when finally Alec had pinned him down with a huge grin on his face. It didn’t happen often, normally Jace was the better one-on-one fighter, so it made Alec feel so much the better. He was sitting on Jace’s thighs, not giving him a chance to flip them over or move at all, Jace’s hands were pinned in a firm and steady grip above his head. And for a tiny, hopeful moment Jace had thought to see something in Alec’s eyes, something new and raw and beautiful and the thought that Alec would lean in to finally kiss him had crossed his mind. But the moment came and went and Alec had just sprung up and left the training room in a hurry. Nevertheless, Jace had been a bit hopeful when he went down to Alec’s room to have “the talk” about the memory. Instead of talking, Alec just shut him up with some stammering about being brothers and practically shoved him out of the room. 

Instead of going back to his room, which would have been the only sensible decision – this or maybe talking to Izzy about the whole mess – he decided to go out for a drink. One drink turned into two, two into three and countless more– and before Jace could sober up enough or think about it properly, he found himself in the bathroom of the pub, shoved upon a wall, his pants down by his ankles, a tall, brown haired man which reminded him faintly of Alec, rutting into him. It hurt. It felt wrong. He felt used. He hated every second of it, but he was so stunned he couldn’t move. He couldn’t say anything. He just let it happen. He just stood there, tears streaming down his face, his forehead pressed on his hands which lay on the cold and dirty piles, wishing for it to be over. The man didn’t notice the state Jace was in or didn’t care. He just kept fucking the boy until he was done, throwing the used condom into the trash bin and leaving with the words “That was amazing dude, we should do it some other time again.” All Jace wanted was to throw up. The feeling that if he really had wanted he could have stopped the man made it even worse. He was a Shadowhunter after all. But sometimes even this didn’t help against the evil in the world. 

The next day Jace was still shaken by the events of the previous nights. He was not sure what to do, admitting to his weaknesses – and he considered the “incident” a weakness, didn’t come easy to him. But the longer he thought about it, the more he was sure that he had let it happen because the man had reminded him of Alec and because he needed to talk to Alec about his so long bottled up crush, something Alec had denied him the day before. He was sure by now that Alec would not return his feelings, but if there was the slightest chance he would, he needed to take it. Besides, it was Alec, even if he didn’t, he would be there for him and they would figure it out, it was Alec after all, the only person Jace had ever trusted completely. 

So he went again to Alec’s room, this time determined to speak before the other could shut him up. When he entered Alec was in a strange mood, he had a unfamiliar glow to him, something a bit maniac. Jace shut the door firmly and without further ado, he came straight to the point: “I love you Alec, and not as a brother. I had a crush on you since the day we met. And sometimes I think you have the same feelings for me. Do you remember the one time in the training room? I really thought you would kiss me and… I just love you Alec.”

Alec felt really strange, the whole day had went by in a blur. He had realized that something was off with Jace, he walked somehow a bit funny, but he could not dwell on that. His parents had discussed details of their marriage plan with him, again praising him how well he had handled the latest events, that without the New York Institute the Shadow World would still not know about Valentine and the Mortal Cup would be still lost. Alec was high on this feeling, a feeling he had never had before. He agreed to everything his parents proposed, not wanting the feeling to end. In a couple of months, he would achieve his lifetime goal – being the youngest Head of the Institute ever.

So when Jace showed up in his room declaring his feelings to him, he couldn’t help but feel angry. For so long Jace had shut up about it, why had he chosen this time to reveal them? He felt torn inside, torn between his longing to admit to the same feelings and just kiss the boy in front of him and between his carrier and the approval of his parents. He knew that admitting how he truly felt towards Jace would set a definite end to both – and he was just not ready for it, not when he had gained it just yet. So he let the unreasonable anger surface, deep down he knew that it was not Jace’s fault that the timing was the worst in the world, but he couldn’t help himself. He could have chosen to just deny his feelings and get on, instead he spat out every mean word he ever had heard from his parents. “How dare you Jace, I welcomed you in my home like a brother and you confront me now with that? This is so disgusting and sick, you are sick, you are an abnormity!”  
Jace just stood there, eyes wide in shock, not comprehending what was happening. But Alec was not done, he stepped closer, invading Jace’s personal space. “And you think I want to kiss YOU? Someone disgusting like you?” He grabbed Jace’s hair and yanked his head back, giving him a bruising, punishing kiss. 

It felt so wrong, even worse than the night before in the pub. This was not his Alec. This was someone he didn’t recognize, someone foreign and frightening. He didn’t feel like Alec, he didn’t taste like him, he even didn’t smell like him. Jace felt tears prickling in the corner of his eyes.

Alec couldn’t stop himself. He held the blond in a tight grip, not stopping to feverishly kiss Jace – till the kiss started to taste salty. It was just then when Alec realized that Jace was crying, that HE had made him cry. As abruptly as he had started, he stopped – looking at Jace with a mixture of horror and guilt. He needed to say something, needed to make this right again, even if he knew that he had done something unforgiveable. He looked at Jace, lost for words – and what he saw made his heart ache. He saw something shatter in the mismatched eyes of the younger boy, the same eyes which had looked at him mere minutes ago in a trusting and loving manner. 

Jace felt it, too. He felt something inside him break. He had rebelled against one of the fundamental rules of his father and this was the reward. He would make sure to not be such a fool again. Without a word or a glance, he turned on his heels and fled the room. 

Jace felt like falling. Ever since the hurtful words had been spoken and the even more sickening kiss had happened – why had Alec kissed him? – Jace was falling. He could not stop, not matter how hard he tried there was no solid ground. The one thing which had steadied him, the one thing he had thought to have for sure – a never ending friendship at least – was so suddenly gone that Jace sometimes believed it had never been there. Whenever he caught himself thinking why his Alec had done that to him, he reminded himself that apparently Alec had never been his. Not now, not ever. He really tried to shut up his mind, stop circling the questions what he had done wrong, what let to Alec leashing out on him. Amazing how this never worked out. 

The walls, which Alec had teared down so patiently, were up in an instant. Jace closed off, showing to the outside only the polite, arrogant side he had mastered over the years. Izzy sensed that something was wrong with Alec and him, but she didn’t push either of them. When the Lightwoods announced that Alec would get married to a foreign girl a week after his 18th birthday to become the Head of the Institute, Jace just nodded and congratulated politely. He barely made it to his room before throwing up. Izzy was baffled and tried to talk some sense into Alec, but without success. He was stubborn and this was what he wanted he declared. Alec tried to talk once to Jace, but he only looked at him with cold dead eyes and left the room without answering. Alec knew he should try harder, but he couldn’t stand the broken look on Jace’s mask-like face, being fully aware that he had caused it. 

When Maryse approached Jace to talk to him about the Shadowhunter Academy where he could complete his training among the best other Shadowhunters, Jace felt relieved. It was a way out of this nightmare and actually it felt nice that Maryse and Robert had thought about him, about his future. He knew the Academy was expensive and therefore he felt a bit flattered that they would do this for him. He even went to Izzy to ask her if she wanted to join him, he would really miss her. He knew that if he would leave the Institute once, there would be no going back. Izzy looked at him with a sad expression in her eyes. “Jace, I don’ t know what happened between you and my brother, but I cannot leave him. Not now. He is making a huge mistake and I need to be there for him.” Jace just nodded, he had expected something like that, but he also had to admit that a small part of himself had hoped that she would consider going with him. That she would even consider choosing him. But she didn’t. He really couldn’t stop falling.

Jace thought that he couldn’t feel worse, but then he overheard a conversation Maryse and Robert had. They only wanted to send him to the Academy because they were afraid that he could get in between Alec and the marriage. Apparently they had caught on to his crush. That he was in no way a danger to that, that Alec despised him for his feelings they didn’t seem to know. But so much for caring about him, Jace huffed. He felt utterly lonely, lonelier than ever before in his life. His thoughts flickered more often than in the past to his father and his father’s rules. In the end, Valentine had been right. He had dared to show love and that had ruined everything, like it had with Altair. He had trusted Alec – and this had nearly destroyed him. Maybe you even could cancel the nearly from this sentence. He fell even faster, if possible.

The taste of betrayal was still fresh in his mouth, when the news hit the New York Institute that Jace’s father was in fact not dead but Valentine Morgenstern himself. He had raised Jace in disguise of being Michael Wayland, far away from the Clave or the rest of the Shadow World. It was difficult for him to bring the image of the father of his childhood together with the monster the Clave claimed Valentine to be. His father had always been against the Accords, but he had never voiced the want or the plan of wiping out the complete Downworld. Maybe the Clave lied and Valentine was not the villain they wanted to portray. In the end, Jace was surprised how little he cared. 

When Valentine attacked the Institute and held Izzy and Alec hostage to convince Jace to come with him, Jace didn’t think twice. He looked at the scared face of Izzy and the pleading eyes of Alec – pleading for what, he thought, to go and safe his life or to stay? – and felt nothing much. But truth be told, Jace had not felt much since the day he confessed his love to Alec, as if Alec’s actions had wiped out his capability to feel. He followed Valentine and his men to the portal, thinking of the man his father had been, of the childhood he used to have. He stepped through the portal and vanished. It had not been that bad, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, it turned out to be less canon than originally planned, but I actually do like this chapter. What do you think?


	4. Let me down slowly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the amazing song "Let me down slowly" by Alec Benjamin

Maybe it really had been that bad.

Jace was hanging from the ceiling, his hands tight up above his head in a heavy chain, his feet dangling a few inches above the ground. He was naked except a boxer short which his father had mercifully left him. He felt his flesh being torn from his body by every lash from the angry whip, which one of Valentine’s men brought down forcefully on his back, ass and upper thighs. 

Since Jace had followed Valentine through the portal to his ship, Jace had been thrown from one nightmare into the other. At the beginning, he had been quite open minded, as he couldn’t believe that his father was really the evil man the Clave wanted him to be. At least, he had come for him – something no one else so far had ever done. He had cared so much for Jace that he had risked an attack to the well-guarded Institute. He was prepared to give his father the benefit of the doubt. 

Yet, his father had changed, and not for the better. In addition to his harshness and strict believes came a cruelty and ruthlessness which had not been there before or which Jace had not been able to see as a child. Together with the fanaticism and the undoubtedly high IQ, it was fatal mixture. Valentine experimented on Downworlders and had been able to distract some of their powers. He especially was interested in warlocks and through his experiments he was now closer to having the same capabilities as a warlock than any Shadowhunter before him. Even if he loathed the Downworlders, he admired their strength and skills. 

Jace was shocked when he learned about his father’s true plans. The Mortal Cup was not only a means to create new Shadowhunters, Valentine also wanted to use it to turn Clave Shadowhunters into an endarkened version, a Shadowhunter who would lose his free will and bend totally to Valentine’s. If this would happen, the Shadow World as they knew it would fall apart and ceased to exist. In addition, Valentine had been able to gather the Soul Sword by destroying the Silent City and murdering the Silent Brothers. With the help of the sword and the angel Valentine held captive, he wanted to destroy the complete Downworld. It was just a matter of time, as a certain weather condition – a full moon and a thunder storm – were a crucial part of the execution. But once the sword was lit up – there would be no escape for any creature with demon blood. As much as Jace had wanted to find the father of his childhood in Valentine, he just saw a strange man in front of him. He couldn’t bring himself to support this claim, he couldn’t forget about the morals he thought right. Even if the Lightwoods had played dirty with him, especially Alec, it was not enough to turn him over to the dark side. 

The good thing was that in his current state of mind he was not as afraid as he would have been otherwise. He still felt like falling, but he knew he had to get a grip. First he focused his mind on any possibility to flee. He tried to learn patterns of his guards, when they would show up and who seemed a bit less devoted to Valentine than the others. He soon had to admit that fleeing from his cell was impossible, so he focused on the next best thing: survival. As much as he was in shock and despair, as strong were his survival instincts. The same instincts which had taught him to swim instead of drowning, took over and helped him survive in this new hell.

At the beginning, Valentine was determined to convince Jace to follow his cause. He showed him his experiments to prove how degenerate Downworlders were, but all Jace could see was the degeneration of his own father. Valentine tried to convince Jace with every means he had – first with words, than with actions. But no matter how hard he beat Jace and how hard he punished him in other ways – waterboarding, starving, torture – Jace didn’t waver. He couldn’t betray himself and commit to a cause so disgusting. And to be honest, Jace had been already in a state beyond breaking. 

Valentine was enraged, he clearly had hoped that his son would join him. He had raised the boy to be a weapon and this weapon failed him. But Valentine was not one to accept a failure, he would find another means to force the boy to follow him. 

Meanwhile, he let his people handle Jace. At the beginning he had punished the blond himself, but he got bored soon. He handed the task over with clear instructions: cause so much pain as possible without doing permanent harm. Sometimes Jace thought he could not take any more pain, that any more whipping or beating would break his body in two, but it never happened. He stayed alive. Often the guards just let him hang on the chains, seemingly forgetting about him. They gossiped about the latest happenings, on the board and in the whole Shadow World, as if he was not even there. This is how Jace learned about Alec’s wedding – or the attempted wedding, better to say. Apparently Alec had finally came to his senses and stopped the whole thing – by kissing a male warlock, Magnus Bane, in front of all wedding guest. Suddenly Jace didn’t fall anymore. He hit rock bottom instead and this time he was not sure if he was able to get up again. If he wanted to get up again. His Alec – not his, as he reminded himself again – had chosen a person he barely knew over him. Maybe if everything had been different, he could have felt proud or happy for Alec. But as the circumstances were, he felt even more betrayed. Alec had insulted him and treated him like trash for no reason, Alec was gay himself, as Jace had suspected all along. He just couldn’t wrap his mind around how he had misjudged Alec so much, what he could have done differently and how everything had went south so fast, so irrevocable. 

The feeling of betrayal even deepened, when Jace learned a few weeks later that a kill-sentence had been placed on him, Jace. He was considered a traitor now. The kill-order had been issued by the New York Institute – Jace wondered if Maryse or Alec had signed it. Had Alec become the new Head of the Institute? In the end, it didn’t matter much, Jace told himself – which was a lie, of course it mattered, but he was not prepared to admit it, not even to himself. Was Alec really capable of this? But no matter who it had been, they had sentenced him to death for being a traitor, even if all he had done was save his siblings by following Valentine through a portal. If he could have laughed, he would have found it hilarious – but as he was still hanging by his wrists, blood dropping in his eye and his vocal cords too abused to make coherent sounds, he couldn’t even manage that. If his father had been less fanatic and cruel, maybe it had been the point for Jace to reconsider his alliance, but as the matter was, this was not a choice Jace could make with a quiet conscience. 

Valentine of course used this to rub it into his face with a glowing spitefulness. He still hoped for his son to turn. When he realized that even this would not do the trick, he made his other plan come true. He had been able to distract a demonic essence, which would bring the dark side of one person to the surface. Once applied by the magic of a warlock, it would be just a matter of time – and the determination of the person in question to fight against it. But Valentine figured that Jace was about to break anyway soon, so he neglected his son’s mental power for his plan. The essence had to be applied to the body in open wounds, to mix with the blood of the person. What lucky coincidence that Jace was not short of wounds. 

The warlock who did the procedure was unknown to Jace; he had not seen him on the ship before. He had hoofs instead of feet, which was the only visible mark Jace could see. But he could feel an immense power radiating from him, a dark power Jace had not been exposed to so far. Instinctively he tried to skirt back, but was hold firmly in place by his bindings. He stood upright, but was bound to a table-like, round wooden surface, his arms spread out at the side of his head, his legs spread wide – he looked like Da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man. He was gagged and his head was the only thing he could move. Jace tried to keep his calm, he really did, but he couldn’t help his heartbeat to speed up and his breath getting ragged. His eyes were widened with fear, the blond being unable to suppress it. His whole body screamed flee, but he was left no choice but standing there and face the smirking warlock. Valentine stood a few feet away and watched the show, seemingly unbothered by it. 

Jace felt the dark magic wash over him and enter every cell of his body. It felt like it claimed him, penetrating every part of his flesh. He screamed, despite the gag. It was half horror and half pain which made him spill noises he never thought possible to come from a human being. The terror of being exposed, pierced by the foreign magic reigned over his body. The pain itself was excruciating, nothing like he had ever experienced before. He had no idea how long it went on, losing all sense of time and being, before the mercy of darkness washed over him and his consciousness started to fade away. 

He woke up in his cell, his body still trembling with pain and fear. He tried to stand up, but his legs gave up beneath him, so he just curled into a ball, waiting for the pain to vanish. He thought that he could already feel the darkness eating him from the inside, clawing at his soul to come to the surface. He wouldn’t let it. He wouldn’t give his father the satisfaction of breaking him or the Clave the satisfaction of being right. He would hold on, he wouldn’t let go, he promised himself. 

It felt like days passed, but Jace was not sure if he could trust his senses. Part of the torture Valentine put him through was that there was no clear schedule. Sometimes he got food every few hours – or so Jace thought – sometimes he got none for days. The cell was completely dark except of some artificial light which the guards switched on and off randomly, so there was no reliable way of telling how much time had passed and if it was day or night. But it felt like an eternity till finally his cell door opened again. Jace was never sure what to expect – the long awaited food or the next round of torture or something entirely else. This time it was something else.

***

Alec felt like his world ended when he saw Jace disappear with Valentine through the portal. He tried to plead with Jace to stay, stay and fight and not sacrifice himself for them, but Jace looked through him as if he was not even there. 

Alec knew what he had done, knew it all along when he had seen something in Jace’s eyes shatter when he had called him names and later when he tasted his salty tears on his tongue. But Alec had thought that he had time, time to make things right, even though he had no idea how he could ever make up for his betrayal, if he should be forgiven after all. But now even this was taken from him, the smallest chance to make it up to the boy he cared so much fore and had hurt so deeply.

Time was Alec’s greatest enemy. Jace had told him enough from his childhood that he could imagine the ordeal Valentine would put Jace through. There was no inch of a doubt for Alec that Jace was not going to side with his father. He was shocked to learn that he was nearly alone in his believe. Izzy, of course, was on his side and spat at everybody who dared to say otherwise. But a lot Shadowhunters, who now crowded the New York Institute to prepare for the war against Valentine – and his own wedding – thought that Jace had followed his father willingly to become his crown prince. 

At first there were rescue missions set in motion, but there was simply no trace of Jace, Valentine or the army he was presumably building. The longer it took to locate Jace, the more the scale tipped against the blond. Soon the rescue mission became a mission to take Jace into custody for interrogation. This was also the time when his parents finally showed their true colors and turned against Jace openly, supporting the claim to imprison him rather than rescue him. It was maybe the first time, Alec saw his parents for what they really were: Power-hungry people who didn’t care who they hurt in the process, if they gained more influence or prestige. The last love and compassion Alec had felt for them crushed as soon as he learned how easily they threw Jace to the wolves and even dared to ask him and Izzy to do the same. And for them and their praise he had sacrificed his own soul and Jace’s at the same time.

If he had not been focused on finding every hint, no matter how small or unbelievable it was to find Jace, he might have lost his mind or simply given up. But this was not the time and place for self-loathing or bathing in self-pity, Jace needed him now more than ever. He didn’t care – ok, he did, but it was not why he did it – if Jace ever forgave him, he just needed Jace to be save again. He needed him to be as far away as possible from Valentine – but also from the Clave. He needed Jace to live. 

As the Clave was no longer reliable, he and Izzy sought the help of the Downworld. Izzy had already strong ties to some of them and Alec was determined to do whatever necessary to find the blond. This is how he met Magnus Bane, the High Warlock of Brooklyn. Magnus was a sparkling personality, wearing tight leather pants, silk shirts in bright colors and a stunning sequin jacket. Alec couldn’t help but notice that Magnus was beautiful. Magnus seemed to think the same way of him, as he was starting to flirt with Alec instantly. He couldn’t help the blush creeping on his cheeks whenever the warlock made ambiguous comments. But Magnus didn’t just flirt with him, he really tried to help the Lightwood siblings, pulling in any favor he had with other Downworlders. But Jace stayed lost, since he had been abducted no one had seen him. 

Time flew buy, Alec spending more and more time in the endearing company of Magnus. The awkwardness he had felt at first when being together with him soon faded away as he realized that he really liked Magnus. Alec was so busy to find Jace, he didn’t realize how close his wedding day had come. Of course, subconsciously he had known that it was about to happen but he hadn’t have time and the desire to think a lot about it. Even if he had discovered the true selves of his parents, he hadn’t had it in him to cancel the whole thing, a part of him wanting to cling to it to make his sacrifice and his betrayal at least worth something. Which was a mistake, he realized the moment he stood at the altar, seeing Lydia walking towards him in a beautiful golden wedding dress. Lydia was a nice girl who definitely didn’t deserve any of this, but as he spotted Magnus standing behind her looking at him with wanting eyes, he jumped at the chance, darted towards the warlock and kissed him in front of every wedding guest, including his parents and pretty high Clave officials. Alec couldn’t care less. The kiss was great, sweet and passionate – and at the same time so wrong. As soon as he kissed Magnus, he knew that he was kissing the wrong person. Another thing he screwed up, Alec thought before dragging Magnus with him, leaving the altar and heading to his chambers. First, he needed to apologize to Lydia for making a fool of her and second he needed to talk to Magnus to clarify his feelings. Thankfully, Magnus understood and suggested to try to go for a friendship, which Alec was extremely grateful for because he really had started to get attached to him. But his heart was already taken, it had been taken for long but finally he allowed himself to truly embrace it. 

As expected, his parents disowned him after the incident and Izzy couldn’t be more proud of him. She always figured that he would have it in him. The Clave of course refrained from making him the new Head of the Institute, leaving Maryse and Robert in charge. The acceptance and signing of the kill order for Jace was the final blow which severed the ties between the older and younger Lightwood generation for good. Alec and Izzy spent more and more time at Magnus’s loft to work together with other Downworlders – to find Jace, but also to stop Valentine. 

All their attempts were in vain, they were not able to locate Jace or the headquarter of the Circle in general, till finally Alec remembered something. It was a small thing and Jace had mentioned it casually a long time ago when he had told Alec about his father, but it was the break through everybody had hoped for, especially Alec. He remembered Jace telling him about a weird fascination Valentine’s for ships and boats. Together with their inability to track any hint of the Circle, it became suddenly crystal clear to Alec: The headquarter must be on a boat or rather large ship, as water prevented any magical tracking, be it Shadowhunter or warlock tracking. With the help of a werewolf who had connections to the coast guard, they were able to locate a ship with the right parameters. The plan was as simple as dangerous: Alec would go in and try to rescue Jace.

***

Jace blinked a few times when he saw who was coming through the door and his first instinct was to jerk back. His cell being small he had not much space to retreat, but at least his feet were carrying him again. He looked at the raven haired boy in front of him, who had a bow stripped over his shoulder and a glowing Katana in his right hand, staring at Jace with a mixture of relief and horror on his face. Jace didn’t move a muscle, not 100 percent sure if he was there to save him or to kill him. Alec picked on his hesitation and a flash of hurt and sadness washed over his face, before he called out the blond’s name, urgency spilling through this one syllable. Jace still didn’t move. “Please Jace, come with me. Trust me, please. We don’t have much time.”  
Trust. There was this word. Could he? Should he? Despite everything, a part of him still wanted to comply instantly and just leave. The other part screamed to not be so stupid. But Jace just nodded and without a word he followed Alec out of his cell. Walking was harder than he thought, his body still exhausted from the intrusion of the magic and the pain caused by it – and the whippings he had to endure before. He was more stumbling than walking, panting heavily after a few steps. Alec caught up on his state, quickly trying to activate a healing rune – which helped, but not a lot. “Lean on me” he whispered, before he dragged the younger boy with him. They hadn’t much time left, the portal which would lead them back not being open for much longer. If they didn’t reach it, they would be trapped inside the ship. There was no choice but to make it. Jace hissed in pain as he hobbled along, leaning heavily on Alec, who held him in a firm grip. If they would run into any of Valentine’s men, they would be done. There was no way Jace was in any condition to fight and they both knew it. 

They were lucky, for once in their lives. There was just one woman walking down the corridor and Alec spotted her in time to pull Jace in a dark corner, covering his mouth with his free hand to muffle his groans of pain. Jace’s skin felt hot, like a burning fever was raging inside of him. Alec couldn’t remember the last time they had been so close and his heart began to beat faster. He had missed Jace so much and the worry for him had driven him nearly mad. But now was not the time to fall apart, so he pulled himself together and tried to focus on the mission on hand.

When the woman was out of sight, he urged Jace on. “It’s in that room, come on Jace you can do it.” Jace shook his head. He really couldn’t. He was so tired and everything hurt so much, he didn’t know if he could stand upright let alone walk. He shook his head. “Go” he told Alec. Alec just huffed in response. Instead he activated his strength rune and slung one arm around Jace’s neck and picked him up, bridal style. He would not leave Jace behind, not again. Jace was heavy, even if he had lost a lot of weight during his time on the Morning Star. But Alec was strong and his will even stronger, so he managed to carry Jace to the portal, which was already starting to fade away. With his last willpower, he jumped together with Jace through it – towards safety. 

The landing was harsh, sending a new jolt of pain through Jace’s body. Alec was still holding him and, again, out of instinct he drew away. He saw Alec flinch, but the older boy let go of him instantly, giving him space. They were not at the Institute, so much Jace recognized, but he had no idea where he was. He tried to sit upright, but it seemed that the short walk had drained all his power. Alec knelt by his side in a second, looking at him with pleading eyes and a Stele ready in his hand. “Let me see your wounds”. Jace just nodded. He felt Alec’s cold hands moving over his abused body, the touch so familiar and alien at the same time. He liked the gentleness and welcomed the hissing pain of the several Iratzes Alec applied, but he didn’t let himself melt into the touch like he would have done some weeks ago. He was completely tense. Alec in front of him shook his head in despair. 

“Magnus, it is not working. The wounds should heal, but they don’t. Something is wrong.” Alec couldn’t hold back the small edge of panic in his voice. It was the first time that Jace was aware that he and Alec were not alone. A strange, tall man was standing in one corner of the room, a bedroom as Jace now noticed. “Put him on the bed” the stranger ordered and without giving Jace the time to protest, Alec picked him up again and placed him tenderly on the big, comfortable bed. Magnus stepped closer, blue magic glowing between his hands – and it was just then when it hit Jace, that this man must be the warlock Alec had kissed instead of getting married, instead of kissing Jace. Magnus stood now beside the bad, his voice sweet and gentle when he asked Jace if it was ok with him if he examined him with his magic to see what was wrong. It wasn’t ok. Jace was not able to voice it, but he gritted his teeth so much that it hurt and shook his head firmly. Jace had not been in control of anything for the past months, he didn’t have the choice what to eat, when to eat, when to sleep – not to speak of the horrible things Valentine and his men had done to and with his body. So when given a choice now, he was not ok with the stranger to touch him. He just couldn’t have the man near him who had his Alec now, even if Alec had never been his and Jace knew how illogical this was. But he just couldn’t stand the thought of being touched by him. 

Suddenly the door burst open and Izzy spilled into the room. She was at Jace’s side within a second and not caring for the state he was in, she drew him in for a tight hug. Jace hissed in pain but wrapped his arms around his little sister nevertheless. Her body shook heavy, quiet sobs coming out of her mouth. As quick as her outburst had been, as quick she pulled herself together. “You’re alive, you really are here now. Jace, I missed you so much. I was so worried.” It was the first time since Alec had stepped through the cell door that Jace really felt sure that he had been really saved, not just dragged into another hell. “His wounds are not closing with a rune and he doesn’t want Magnus to have a look.” Alec interrupted their moment, clear despair in his voice. He was scared, scared that the might have saved Jace but not soon enough. Izzy looked at Jace curiously, then at Alec and Magnus – and as always, Izzy could read between the lines like no other. “Magnus, call Catarina. Jace, Catarina is a friend, she is a healer and she will examine you.” It was not a question, it was an order. “Okay”. It was the first word Jace had spoken since his arrival at the loft, his voice still hoarse from the screaming and abuse.

Catarina arrived within minutes, the urgency in Magnus voice clear enough for her to create a portal right away. Catarina carefully approached Jace, Magus having told her about his reluctance to let Magnus treat him. She set down on the bed, extending a hand to cup Jace face gently. “Is it okay if I have a look now and try to heal you?” Alec thought his heart would break instantly as he saw how Jace leaned into the gentle touch, a touch of a stranger, whereas Jace had stayed all stiff and tense under his own. 

Again, Jace felt magic wash over him, this time in a gentle, soft way, which felt like silk on the skin. It felt good, pure. But after a couple of minutes, Catarina shook her head. “It is not working. Jace, how did they inflict these wounds? What happened to you?” Jace nodded and tried to explain what Valentine had done. After the healing magic, at least his vocal cords worked again properly. When he was finished, Catarina nodded. “It makes sense. I feel a great amount of dark magic in him. If we can distract it, I think the wounds should heal as well. But it will not be easy and it will be painful.” Of course it would. When would there be something in his life which would not be painful?

Catarina and Magnus debated quickly about the right procedure. Alec stood awkwardly next to Jace’s bed, not knowing if he should – was allowed – to sit down. He had seen Jace’s reaction and he couldn’t say how much it hurt him, but he knew he deserved it. He was grateful that Izzy was there, curled up to Jace, this time making sure not to touch the bloody flesh. Jace looked at the tall Shadowhunter beside his bed, but when Alec turned his head he avoided his gaze and looked down. He was not yet ready for that. 

The dark magic had penetrated Jace system deeply, as a lot time had passed to allow it to sink in properly. It was not a common thing, but Catarina was impressed that Jace had not yet submitted to the darkness. But they had to act quickly. Jace needed an anchor to steady him through the procedure, while Catarina and Magnus would try to pull the magic out without harming him in the process. Jace eyes darted swiftly to Alec, but settled then on Izzy. “Will you be my anchor, Izzy?” Also Izzy looked at Alec and she saw the broken look on her big brother, but there was nothing she could do now. “Yes of course”. Izzy helped Jace stand up and Magnus and Catarina began to chant in a foreign language Jace did not know. Izzy held Jace firmly by his hands, determined to not let him go. When the combined magic of the two powerful warlocks started to work and hit his body, Jace understood why he needed an anchor. The magic tore at every fiber of his being, and without Izzy he just would have blown away, together with the dark magic they tried to extract. As the chanting got more intense, suddenly Jace was not sure if it was enough, if the grounding was enough to not slip away. He nearly didn’t feel the pain, but he felt panic arising in him as the chanting got even more frantic. He felt himself – his soul – slip away, he felt his grip on Izzy weaken, he was falling again, but this time not downwards but upwards, if this even was possible. He would lose himself, he was sure – till he felt two strong, familiar arms wrapping around him, holding him and Izzy steady. He felt the solid ground again, he concentrated on the warmth which radiated from Alec’s chest, on the familiar scent. And then it was over. The two warlocks barley could stand anymore, clearly exhausted by their heavy use of magic. 

Jace’s body went limp and fell into Alec, if he had not hold him tightly he’d crashed to the floor. His skin was burning again from all the magic pushed into him. For a few seconds he was able to open his eyes and was met with warm hazel eyes which looked at him with concern before he passed out. 

Jace drifted in and out consciousness. Each time he woke up, he felt Alec’s steady presence, the raven haired boy never leaving his side. Despite everything, Jace was really grateful. He was not able to speak or do anything at all before the darkness claimed him again, but the feeling of not being alone stayed with him, even in his passed out state. 

Alec was worried beyond words, but the two warlocks reassured him that it seemed that the procedure had worked, the outer wounds had already started to heal. Given the poor condition Jace had been in in the first place, it went as well as one could have hoped. How successful it really had been needed to wait till Jace was fully conscious again. 

Finally, after three days of fighting, Jace woke up for good. As soon as he was fully awake, he tried to sit up. Even sitting was a struggle and if not gentle hands had helped him and placed a huge pillow at his back where he could rest, he maybe wouldn’t have managed. Without needing to say anything, a glass of water was handed to him, which he drained gratefully in one go. Alec was looking at him with concerned eyes, the unasked question clearly visible. He sat close to Jace, but without touching the younger boy. Jace acted purely out of instinct. Without really realizing it, he knew what he needed: an anchor, which would chain him to consciousness and also chain him to the light, as he could still feel the darkness lurking inside of him – not as dominate as before, but still present. He extended a hand to Alec, who gladly took the invitation and pulled Jace in for a tight hug. Jace felt himself relax against the embrace, feeling saver than he had felt in ages. The two boys said nothing, just savoring the moment, lost in a touch they both thought they would never feel again. 

This was how the others found them, curled together on the comfortable bed. Catarina examined him, surprisingly satisfied with the result – she couldn’t feel any presence of dark magic inside him. The question why Jace still felt the darkness inside him remained unanswered, as it stayed unvoiced, Jace not able to put words to it. He knew he had to tell somebody, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell everyone, to destroy the content looks on their faces. Not yet anyway. 

Jace was still rather weak, the time on the ship and the ritual took their toll. But through the steady care of Catarina and Magnus, who provided the best food and medicine available – it had its perks to have powerful warlocks as allies – he recovered slowly, at least physically. Mentally he still felt out of place. He didn’t quite get why he constantly needed Alec’s presence – and physical closeness – but just knew that he needed it, to not slip into a dark place he didn’t want to explore. Thankfully, Alec understood. He kept close to Jace, soothing him with words and touches, constantly trying to give him all the support necessary. Jace was grateful for that, especially because Alec never mentioned their fall out or anything crucial, it felt like they were in a neutral bubble where nothing had ever happened between them. Maybe it wasn’t exactly the healthy thing to do, maybe it was even a bit cruel towards Alec – because Jace saw the urge inside his friend – were they still friends? – to apologize, to ask for forgiveness, to talk about everything. He saw how much Alec was hurting by his very own choices, but Jace was no way ready to have a proper conversation about it. Because he needed Alec right now too much to threaten it by properly talking. The blond was aware that it was selfish, but couldn’t help it. And Alec was happy to give – and get – what was available, even though he felt himself at a breaking point. Jace had been relieved to learn that Magnus and Alec were not actually together, but had just shared this one important kiss, but also this information was filed away for a later point of time to get fully inspected. 

Alec and his allies had informed the Clave about Valentine’s headquarter and the Clave had immediately taken the opportunity to go for him and the Circle. They had an impressive amount of Shadowhunters – but failed nevertheless. Valentine’s powers were beyond everything any living Shadowhunter had experienced so far, his powers closer to a warlock than to a Shadowhunter. 

Magnus and the others were talking quietly about the new plan to bring him down in the living room, to combine the forces of the Downworld and the Clave, when Jace joined them, having rested in his room, alone for once. As soon as Alec felt him approach he scooted over to make room for him and Jace slumped into the seat next to him, pressing their thighs together. 

All along, since he had set foot on the damned ship, he had known it would come to that, even if he dreaded it with every fiber of his being.  
“I will come with you” Jace said, clearly not stating a question but stating a fact. He felt Alec tense near him, but he carried on. “You will never get close to him, he will kill you before you have a chance to act. I can. I know what he is capable of, neither of you has any idea. It is me who has to kill him. It always has been.” Without listening to any of their protests, he stood up and went back to his room, Alec on his heels. 

As soon as the door closed Jace felt himself being pushed back against the wall. Alec held him firmly in place with his body pressed against his, both hands at the side of his face. “What is there that you don’t tell me?” the raven haired boy demanded to know. Jace looked directly in the warm hazel eyes in front of him and he gave in. 

“The darkness Valentine planted in me, it is still there. Not as strong as it used to, but still.... I can feel it, Alec, it is part of me.There is so much darkness. He told me when doing it that it would make me stronger. I know I can kill him, I know that I have to do it. I will fight fire with fire. Or rather darkness with darkness.”  
“But you are scared.”  
“Yes. Fuck, yes I am. What happens when I will finally let go? What if I can’t come back?”  
“You will. You are the strongest person I know.”  
“Will you be there with me, Alec?”  
“Every step. When have I ever not had your back?” Alec nearly choked on the lie, a lie both boys were aware of, but this was about Jace and Alec felt that Jace needed that; he needed every reassurance he could get.  
“Yeah, it is really a definitely a sexy back to have.” Jace smirked in response, an answer coming from a time which felt long lost. For the first time since Alec had tasted the salt of Jace’s tears on his lips he felt hopeful, hopeful that at least they could come back to a friendship, even if it would be never enough again, it had to.  
Alec rested his forehead on Jace’s, feeling every inch of the younger boy’s body where they stood pressed together.  
“And when we return we will talk about this. Us. Please.” Alec knew he was bagging but couldn’t help it. Alec felt Jace’s body go still for a second but then he heard the barely visible “Yes” and felt utterly relieved. They really would work things out, wouldn’t they?

As closer the day of the showdown came, the closer Alec and Jace got, the presence of the other steadying them both. When it was time, they geared up together, Alec strapping his bow in place and adding several other blades to his belt, Jace going for a short sword, daggers and also seraph blades. Before joining the others in front of the already opened portal, Jace pressed his forehead against Alec’s while pressing him against the wall, repeating their position from the other day, just the other way round. “You got me?” “Always”.  
They were as ready as they could be.

When they stepped through the portal the fight was already raging, but they didn’t bother to engage. Their task was to find Valentine, nothing more, nothing less. Alec followed Jace who led the way, his guts telling him where his father would be. And he was proven right, soon they discovered him. He was surrounded by a ring of this closest followers, each ready to die for their leader. Valentine’s eyes flashed in an unholy red when they met Jace’s. “How nice of you to join us, Jonathan. Did you finally come to your senses?”  
A soft whispered “Alec” was all Jace said and Alec understood the question behind his name. “I’m here. I’ve got you.” This, together with the steady flow of arrows which accompanied Jace and cleared his way to his father, was the only reassurance Jace needed. He let go. 

Jace felt the darkness rush through his vines, his heart, his soul. His vision became clearer and narrower at the same time, all he could feel, all he could sense was his father. He urged forward and within seconds he stood opposite Valentine, his sword ready in hand. He heard the clear ringing of metal when their blades met, each fighting with a merciless power. Jace felt not like himself while he went against his father, he felt like he was watching a boy with his features from above. A way darker, way more powerful version of himself. Valentine needed all his strength to not give in instantly, also trying to hit Jace with the warlock-like magic he possessed. But Jace was able to counter every blow, to avoid every energy ball thrown at him. He forced Valentine to draw back, till his father had no escape route anymore, most of his followers already dead, pierced by Alec’s merciless arrows. With a final blow Jace was able to disarm Valentine. Valentine locked eyes with his son, but before he could say anything, Jace rammed his sword deep into his father’s throat, killing him in an instant. 

As soon as his father’s corpse hit the ground, Jace felt himself return to his body. He crouched to the floor, next to his father, the father he had killed. Again he was sitting in his father’s blood, but this time he knew there was no coming back. This time, his father would stay dead. He didn’t feel the tears tingling in his eyes. He just clutched to the dead body, trying to bring Valentine in a sitting position, trying to hold on to the man who had raised him.

As soon as Alec saw Jace’s sword piercing Valentine’s heart, he sprinted forward, knowing that this was crucial. If he failed know, Jace was probably lost forever. He approached the boy carefully, not wanting to scare him. He saw the tears streaming down his face and heard the words “Ave atque vale” spilling from Jace mouths. Hail and farewell. Alec kneeled beside the blond, trying to pull him gently off his father, but Jace clung to the dead body. Instead of further forcing him, Alec slung his arms around Jace, protecting him from his surroundings, from himself. Gently he whispered into Jace’s ears “I’ve got you Jace, I’m here. Everything is going to be alright.” And Jace let go, for the second time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hapyy New Year! May it be a good one!


	5. Catching the Light

As soon as Jace let go of his father, he fell back into Alec, seemingly all power drained from his body. If Jace had been really conscious it would have probably bothered him that he was carried bridal style by Alec – again - , but Jace was too far gone to care. Alec looked over the still fighting crowd till he found the man who he was looking for, Magnus. They briefly locked eyes and then Magnus created a portal close to the boys. Alec needed to get Jace away, the kill order from the Clave was still in place and he wouldn’t take chances. With Valentine dead it would be only a matter of time till the remaining Circle Members either surrendered or died themselves, so he felt not guilty about leaving the scene early. 

Jace felt being lift up and carried away, but he was not able to act on his own. The killing of his father, the fight with his inner darkness and then the willpower to let go of his Valentine’s body had demanded everything of him. He closed his eyes and let himself being wrapped into the strength of the boy who carried him, let the steady heartbeat of Alec sooth him, trusting – yes, trusting – that he would take care of him, which of course the older boy did. 

Alec stepped through the portal, still carrying Jace in his arms. When he placed Jace on the couch of the room they had portaled to, Alec felt a certain reluctance to let go of the blond, not knowing what the future would bring them. If Jace really would forgive him or if Jace would move on. Alec knew that the latest closeness was merely due to the fact that Jace had needed him to ground himself, but as now the task was done he was not sure what would happen. But again, this was not the time for it, first he had to make sure that Jace was ok, at least physically. Gently he pushed one strain of the unruly blond hair back, which had fallen into Jace’s still closed eyes. Jace’s face was covered in sweat, he looked really really pale and tired. Alec couldn’t help himself but press a soft kiss to Jace’s forehead, before checking for wounds, whispering soothing words in the blond’s ears. To Alec’s surprise and satisfaction, he found none. Jace had remained unscratched, except a few minor cuts. Alec applied a healing rune anyway, just to be on the save side. The small sting of the Iratze seemed to wake Jace of his nearly catatonic state, he opened his eyes slowly, clearly fighting to get focus. When he saw Alec hovering over him, he sighed with relieve, just to gasp in shock. Unlike Jace, Alec was covered in blood and bruises. A nasty cut on his left cheek promised a scar to remain, his fighting gear was torn apart and soaked with blood; from a heavy abdominal wound blood was still spilling. The tiredness in Jace’s bones vanished as suddenly as it had settled in when he realized the state the raven haired boy was in. “What do you think you are doing?” Jace hissed at Alec, apparently Alec hadn’t even bothered to activate his healing runes. Without further ado, Jace grabbed his Stele from his belt and placed several runes on Alec’s body, two close to the abdominal wound. He really hoped it would be enough to close it and that it was just a normal flesh wound and not infected with demon poison.  
“I was taking care of you.”  
“I am fine, Alec. Unlike you I am not wounded. Fuck Alec, you could have died from that cut!” Both boys were glaring at each other. Alec felt the adrenaline leaving his body and a bone-deep tiredness replacing it – and for the first time, he did feel the pain of his injuries. He had been so focused on Jace and his adrenaline level had been so high that he had felt nothing. He looked down at himself and realized that he really had been in a bad shape, but he could see that the runes did their job, the wounds were already closing. “I’m sorry Jace. But you are a lot of things, fine is definitely not among them.” He looked at the blond with a challenging stare, not backing down from it. It was Jace who averted his eyes first, looking down. “Maybe you are right. Where are we, anyway?”  
Alec flinched lightly at the sudden change of topic, but let it go. Apparently the younger boy was not ready to talk just yet, but Alec was determined to make him talk somehow somewhere along the line. 

“We are in one of Magnus’ houses. I thought you might like it here.” Alec replies, a hint of insecurity in his voice. When he had talked with Magnus about it, it had seemed like a great idea, but now he was not so sure. Maybe Jace would prefer to be with the others, with Izzy especially, not alone with him. The Institute of course was not an option, but the loft would have been. He looked doubtfully at Jace, waiting for him to say something. Jace had fallen silent, taking in his surroundings, taking in the noises – or lack thereof – around him. It was quiet, he just could hear some birds singing in the distance, he heard the wind rustling through leaves. “We’re in the woods” Jace stated and he couldn’t help the smile tucking at his lips. Alec nodded. “I can send Magnus a message….” but before Alec could finish the sentence, Jace had already stood up and walked to the windows. The house stood in the middle of a beautiful clearing, no neighbors in sight, only a green meadow surrounded by high trees. It looked really peacefully and the blond could already feel the surrounding calming him. He had always loved the wilderness. When he felt the presence of the older boy next to him, he wrenched himself away from the scenery and looked at Alec. He still looked dreadful, covered now in old encrusted blood and he looked so tired, it was a miracle to Jace that he didn’t fall asleep right away. Jace took one look and commanded “bed” and without waiting for a response he took the olderboy by his wrist and dragged him with him, just stopping shortly as he realized he had no idea where the bedroom actually was. But there were little options so he chose the door closest by and was right. Behind the door a comfortably looking bed was placed below a huge window. Another door was leading to a small bathroom with surprisingly running water – magic did have its advantages. He placed Alec on the toilet seat and started to carefully strip down the wrecked clothes, making sure to not open or touch the already closed cuts again. He wet a washcloth with warm water and started tenderly to wash away the blood on Alec’s body, starting with his face. Jace felt Alec melting into the touch and Jace felt himself humming contently, it was nice to be the one taking care again, as for the last weeks Alec had always been the strong one. 

Alec cherished the moment, really enjoying the gentle touches and the warmth of the cloth. But soon it was over and he was nudged lightly in the shoulder. He opened his eyes, not having realized closing them in the first place. He saw Jace leaving the bathroom, giving him no choice but to follow. Both boys fell into the bed, glad to be able to rest. They were both exhausted and sleep came easy to them. Even though they had started with a lot of space between them, it seemed they were drawn together by gravity – or something else – as they ended up sleeping intertwined, Jace resting his head on Alec’s chest and Alec covering Jace’s body with one arm and leg in a protective manner. 

Jace woke up to the heavy feeling of someone laying half on him. He had to admit, it was not the worst feeling, but still he felt restless – and not ready to talk, which seemed unavoidable if he stayed put. Maybe he would never be ready, even though he knew they needed to talk properly. So he tried to squirm free of the hold without disturbing Alec’s sleep. He looked like he needed it, the signs of the war still visible on the pale skin of his body. Jace himself felt more rested than in days, the chirping of the birds outside greeting him like a long lost friend. He needed to go outside, taste the fresh air in his lungs, feel the sun warming his skin. When he stepped outside, the whole world seemed to stop spinning, but in a good way. He finally felt grounded again, even without Alec touching him – which was a good thing, wasn’t it? 

While he strolled through the woods he tried to listen to himself, to the light and the darkness, which sadly was still there. But was there not always darkness when there was light, how could you otherwise tell what light actually was? And maybe it was ok to have both, maybe everyone had both, just he was more aware of it. 

He had lost track of time, so when he turned back he found a very pissed of Alec in front of the house, sitting on the stairs of the veranda. When Alec spotted him he sprang to his feet and darter forward. “You could have left a message, I was worried” Alec spat at him, shoving him back a little. Jace shoved back. “Stop fussing about me. I am fine.” “You are not.” Alec shoved again. One thing came to another and before they could think twice, they were both rolling on the ground. It was a fierce fight, all unsaid emotions of the last weeks, months, coming to the surface – but still none of the boys tried to harm the other severely, but also both not holding back with punches or kicks. In the end, it was surprisingly Alec who got the upper hand, pinning Jace down, taking full advantage of his greater height and of the weight difference, which had only increased during Jace’s turmoil on the ship of his father. He held Jace in a frim grip, hands pinned above his head, full weight pressing down on the blond’s hip, making it impossible for the younger boy to escape his hold. 

Jace looked up at Alec’s warm hazel eyes, which were fixed on him – and even if he was a bit annoyed that Alec had won – he remembered too well a similar situation a long time ago, when things still had been right. And maybe, just maybe, everything would have gone differently if they had kissed back then. This time he would not take any chances. He may not be able to move his body, but he sure was able to move his head. He lifted his head forcefully and pressed his lips to Alec’s, catching the surprised gasp of the older boy with his mouth. After a short shock moment, Alec kissed Jace back and this time it felt just right. This was them, Alec and Jace, like it always should have been. They tasted right and the way their tongues explored each other just left them both wanting for more. Alec let go of Jace’s hands, cupping the blond’s face firmly and gently at the same time. Jace’s hand found their way in the messy brown hair he had fantasized about since he had first met him. And they never stopped kissing. They just broke apart when the screaming of their lungs for air could no longer be ignored. They looked at each other, both in awe and a bit weary before both leaned in and kissed again, this time less feverish but more gentle, more sloppy, taking the time to truly savor the moment. “Bed” Alec breathed and Jace nodded in agreement. “Bed.” They really should talk about it, about the whole thing, both of them thought, but both not knowing how to start and definitely too distracted to really care. 

They fell on the bed breathlessly, both trying to undress the other. Alec felt clumsy and a bit insecure; he had never done anything like this before. His hands trembled a little when he tried to unbutton Jace’s shirt. He felt his hand covered by Jace’s warm fingers, which started to stroke him soothingly. “It’s okay Alec, it’s me. We go as slow as you need. You are also new to me.” He kissed him again and Alec felt save enough to stop thinking, to just fall into the sensation and the moment. What started as a tender, reassuring kiss soon transformed into heated passion. Jace started to lick the deflect rune on Alec’s neck, kissing and biting his way down to the sensitive nape before he started to suck in earnest, leaving a beautiful big mark on the pale skin. Mine, he thought, before kissing his way down, tracing the newly healed wounds gently with his fingers, making Alec gasp when his lips sucked lightly at his nipples. He unbuttoned Alec’s trousers and before pulling them down he looked at Alec with a questioning expression in his face. Alec nodded and with one tug the trousers and boxers where gone, exposing Alec’s already half-hard cock. Jace gently stroked the whole length of it a few times before he opened his mouth and swallowed the now completely hard cock down in on go. Fuck, this tasted and felt amazing. Alec could do nothing more than moan, his hands clutched to the sheets to withheld the need to grip Jace’s head and thrust into the blond’s mouth. When Jace felt Alec getting close to the edge, he withdraw and looked at Alec. A small whine escaped the older boy’s mouth, an embarrassing sound but Alec didn’t care. He couldn’t put into words how amazing Jace’s hot and wet mouth had felt. “What do you want Alec? I can continue or we can do something else” he said with a seductive smile. Alec was astonished that he could speak. “I want to do something else. I want you inside of me.” “Are you sure? We can also do it the other way round.” But Alec shook his head, he had always kind of pictured that Jace would be on top. Jace took his time, first he removed his own jeans and underwear and then started to prep Alec. He circled the red hole first with his fingers before trying to gently press in a lubed finger – It was Magnus house, of course there was lube – but no matter how slow he went, he didn’t feel Alec relax enough. “You know what” he said before he kissed Alec again “I think I want you in me. Please Alec.” And he looked at Alec with his beautiful mismatched eyes so pleadingly, that Alec just gave in – in secret glad that Jace had offered him a way out without having to admit it. And to Alec’s surprise – not to Jace’s, he had always thought it would work well this way – it was just the right thing. As soon as Alec was on top of Jace it felt like his body knew what to do. Jace spread his legs wide to give Alec better access and before Alec pushed all the way in he murmured a soft “I love you” into Jace’s ear. 

Jace lay curled up in Alec’s arms, listening to Alec’s heartbeat gradually slowing down. This is where I belong Jace thought. He felt the older boy’s hand gently stroking his hair and he could feel the contentment radiating from his body, making Jace even more relaxed. Alec felt the same. And all of the sudden, wrapped up in his lover’s – finally the right term for Alec – arms and love, it was not difficult to talk anymore. Because, it would be fine, in the end, as long as they had each other.  
“You hurt me”.  
Alec tensed and stopped shortly stroking his hear but then continued, using the soothing gesture to calm himself down as much as the blond in his arms.  
“I know. And I cannot tell you how sorry I am for this. I don’t know if you can – if you should – ever forgive me for that. I honestly don’t know if I can forgive myself.”  
Looking up in the familiar face above him, Jace lift his head shortly to press a tender kiss to Alec’s still swollen and red lips. “You have to. Because I already have.” Alec sighed in relieve at this confession, but he felt that this was not enough, at least he needed to make Jace understand why he had made the poor choices. When he was finished, Jace sat up and pulled him in in a tight hug. “We cannot help ourselves but love our parents, at least till they make it undeniably impossible to love them. I understand your reasoning, Alec, though I wished you would have chosen differently. After that day, I was falling, falling into a nothingness. You really hurt me, but I forgave you. And now you really have to do the same if we want to make this work. And I need this to work, Alec, I really do.”  
“So do I, Jace. I love you so much.” “I love you.”

With that, Jace pushed Alec back on the bed, a predatory grin on his face when he settled on top of him. “Let me show you how much” he murmured seductively, while placing one knee between Alec’s thigs to push them apart to give him better access. Alec just smiled and spread his legs wide, not being able to suppress a moan escaping from his lips in the anticipation of what was to come, this time feeling fully relaxed.

Once started, the talking become way easier. Especially curled up next to each other, they were able to confide in the other, the physical closeness giving both boys the reassurance they needed to be able to talk freely about their feelings, something which was new to both of them.  
“What do you want to do?” Alec asked Jace one time, while both were lying in the sun, looking at the blue, cloudless sky, the wind rustling softly through the grass. “Like right now?” Jace replied, sleepily. “No, I mean after that.” Alec gestured vaguely to the house and the clearing in general. Jace shrugged.  
“Well, for now the Clave still wants to kill me, even though I never did anything else than step through that fucking portal. And I KILLED my father, but even this seems not enough.”  
“Magnus is working on it. He is too powerful for the Clave to be ignored, they need him to establish the peace. They will revoke the order in the end, Jace. The problem is a lot have seen you sitting next to Valentine’s body, mourning him.” Jace sprang to his feet to look furiously at Alec, rage clearly written all over his face. “He was my father, Alec. And I fucking killed him! I have every right to feel what I feel!”  
Alec just lay there, extending a hand to his boyfriend, looking pleadingly at him. “I know that, Jace. I know that you love the father you thought you had, the man who raised you. And I know that you hate the man he became or maybe always was but not visible to you. But the Clave…” Alec snorted. “ The Clave are jerks.” Jace concluded, accepting the hand and letting himself being pulled to the ground again. “I don’t think I can go back to working for the Clave. After all what has happened… it just feels not right. But I also cannot imagine to do something else. I am a Shadowhunter.” Alec nodded.  
“Magnus and I talked a lot about it actually, before we were able to rescue you. We want to establish an Alliance between Downworld and Shadowhunters, a place where Downworlders can turn to trusted Shadowhunters for support. I also don’t want to return to any Institute. What do you think?”  
“Sounds good to me. Maybe Magnus can come over some day and we can work on the details?” It felt good to have a plan. 

But not everything was easy, the trauma the boys, especially Jace, had endured, too severe to be chased away by kisses, cuddling or sex, or even by the deep love the boys allowed themselves to feel now. Most of the time it stayed hidden in the shadows, but sometimes it urged forward into the light to not be ignored any longer. Most often, it hit unexpected and sudden. 

Alec pushed Jace on the bed, his whole body rigid with lust and anticipation. His eyes roamed hungrily over Jace’s body, the desire barely hidden in his hazel eyes. “Strip” he commanded and Jace obeyed, giving Alec the control. When Jace was naked, he felt his wrists pinned above his head, hold in place firmly by Alec’s strong grip. Alec sat on his thighs so that he could not move but was left to Alec’s mercy. Nothing they had not done before, something Jace normally enjoyed immensely. But this time, it was different. This time, something was wrong. Jace felt his breath catch, but not in a good way, not out of excitement. He gulped hard, trying to swallow down the panic he felt building in his lower abdomen. Suddenly he felt himself being back on the ship, his hands were not hold by his lover but tied in a chain of steel high above his head, he could hear the waves clashing against the ship. He bit down his lower lip so hard that blood spilled, but instead of tasting the usual metal taste, he thought he felt the salty sea air on his tongue. This is when he lost it. He threw Alec off his body, smashing the older boy against the wall as if he weighted nothing. Jace’s pupils were blown wide and several shades darker than usual. He felt the darkness clawing back in his soul again, ready to take over. His breath was ragged and his whole body was shaking with the fight which raged inside of him. Alec lay on the floor, fighting the dizziness away. He looked puzzled at Jace, not comprehending what was happening at first. But as soon as he saw the state the blond was in, he understood. He sprung to his feet to sling his arms around Jace, to ground him again, when he saw Jace transforming again. His eyes flashed one time golden before they assumed their usual shade of blue, with just a hint of brown in the left. His body relaxed visibly and Jace stumbled out of the bed to reach Alec, to make sure his lover was save and unharmed. This time, the light had won, Jace had won. 

It was a long way to go, but both knew they were ready, ready to fight the shadows, to fight for the light – on their own and together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a lot of fluff with a bit PTSD (wink to OliviaLuzia) in the end - I hope you liked it!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading my story. Kudos and Comments mean the world to me :-)


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